Surviving New Years Single: Festival Edition

The below methods are tried and somewhat successful— proceed at your own risk. Due to the already abundant data written on the topic of “finding” love, I’ll spare you the redundancy.  I have decided instead to provide you with three unemotional and calculated strategies to perfect your rave courting tactics.  If these methods are mimicked exactly, you are sure to obtain an agreeable, and a rather mediocre New Year’s kiss experience.

And before you write me off, a kiss is better than no kiss.

First step – Choose your arena (I have personally chosen Decadence, CO). With 2 stages AND a silent disco the chances of dancing alongside a future festie and life partner is high. Don’t chance fate and grab tickets here if you still need NYE plans.

Second step – Choose your method 

The Evolutionary Instinct Optimizer — Yikes, thats a mouthful. 

This is your safe zone option. To attract your hottie of choice bring snacks, gum, hand sanitizer, and all other rave day essentials. These are great conversation openers … because who doesn’t like a quality conversation in the middle of a set?  A more Neanderthal analysis to the effectiveness of this option is that the appearance of “having it together” makes you an optimal mate. Congrats, you just made evolution your wingman. 

The Surprise Attack 

If you’re feeling more cliché, flirty, and reckless then this one is for you.

A great opening line is “Wanna try on my diffraction glasses?”. While diffraction glasses are a fun rave accessory, they also serve as a great tool to disorient your target. Tip: utilize moments of high laser activity to intensify the confusion. 

WARNING: I advise leaving this method to befriended ravers. It could get awkward if you full on attack a rando … 

Ahh, you. The Planner 

Don’t worry,  I have a more practical business oriented plan of action for those who dislike spontaneity.  Contact your kissing partner beforehand letting them know your advances, then write up a contract outlining each parties specifics. I suggest taking screenshots, so you have evidence should one of you flake and fail to fulfill the contract. 

*This option is ideal for lazy kissers 

There’s nothing like a New Years Eve smooch as the seconds count down and the confetti drops. So make sure you optimize your kissing strategy (and have your kissing partners consent) so you can get that special smooch as the clock reaches zero. Wherever you are this New Years, and even if you just spend New Years with friends, we hope you have a fabulous NYE and start of your 2019!

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